As an obsessive fitness and health freak, I can see how this moto is great advice for putting on your runners and getting out the door at 5am in the morning when it is so cold that you can not feel your nose. Just do it.
But when it comes to having a child, I find this advice reckless and irresponsible.
The craziest thing about this advice which I have had thrust upon me with fervent gusto on many occasions, is that it usually comes from middle-aged or older adults who really should know better. People lecture young people (by young I refer to anyone younger than them) constantly about how to and not to live their lives. One constant theme is that young people have it too easy and therefore do not put enough thought and planning into their actions.
And yet - 'Just do it!'.
When people advise you to put more energy into deciding what to study at university, or what car to buy, or even what colour to paint the walls of your kitchen, than when and why to have a child, I question how objective their advice on children can truly be.
University courses can be changed or added onto. Cars are bought and sold all the time. A wall can be painted over with a spare weekend of time and paintbrush.
But you can not just shove a baby back up there if you decide your whim wasn't so much of what you had expected.
And yet, when I try to have a serious conversation about the pros and cons and realistic outcomes of children, I am shut down. My mother told me recently that I have 'so many hang ups about children so I'm changing the subject'. This was in response to my level-headed voicing of concerns regarding support (eg. despite having 6 parents between my husband and I, they all work or live hundreds of kilometres away therefore there isn't the option of such and such will watch [insert baby name here] while myself or said husband attend a workshop at university. Or just spend an hour alone for that matter.) and finances.
And this is the position I find myself in all the time. I find it nearly impossible to get unbiased advice or to just have a conversation where I can express my concerns in a safe, non-judgmental environment.
I refuse to get advice from people who think that a woman's sole purpose on earth is to procreate, and yes, I do have some people like this in my circles.
Likewise, I will not have these conversations with people who think that parents are 'breeders' and that having a family is the root of all that is dull and unsuccessful.
Neither of these parties is likely to be of any consequence in helping me to reconcile my feelings. And while I understand that feelings nearly always come into play when deciding on having or not having a baby, that doesn't mean that logical and intelligent thought need be thrown out the window.
Having a baby is one of the most long-term projects you will ever undertake. Therefore, it follows that the amount of planning and analysis you should put into the project from the minute you decided 'yes, let's do it', should exceed the amount of planning and analysis you put into anything else in your life previously?
Not feeling like I could talk about the baby debate and my take on fitting it into your life was the catalyst for this site in the first place. I just want to be able to talk to someone who sees the good, bad and ugly in both situations. And I refer to the situations as 'child-free' and 'being a parent'. I don't like the term child-less, because that to me suggests that you want a child but are unable to have one and this is not part of my story at this point in time. Child-free to me suggests a lifestyle choice.
And so I tell my computer screen all about it. And my screen never reprimands me. Common reprimands:
- You'll regret all this planning business when you can't get pregnant later (note assumption that if you take too long something bad will happen)
- You're obsessive - stop being so controlling
- You're over 30 so you should really just do it regardless of whether you are ready
- You have hang-ups
- You have endometriosis? Hmm... wouldn't leave it too long if I was you
- Why would you want a baby? Gross.
- Why do you keep talking about this? You're not having one so just stop talking.
And so of course the natural reaction is to suppress the feelings that no one agrees with from either side and soldier on as confused as ever.
I will say that I do have two wonderfully open-minded cousins who I talk to on and off about this subject, without being harassed or berated or made to feel stupid. I respect them as women and mothers, and I'd like to think that they respect my choices and ambivalence. Hence, we have an open dialogue and they are generally my go-to girls for things I feel I can't talk to other people about. But there is only so many facebook conversations that you can burden onto two people who have 7 children, study, jobs and home schooling between them. They are always obliging, but I like to be a responsible complainer.
I only have a handful of very close friends, but they are all quite different. Speaking strictly of my 5 closest friends - those who were maid of honour, bridesmaid and certificate witness at my wedding - the demographics vary and provide no clue as to who would and wouldn't want kids. Two of them already have kid(s), and there is something like 15 years age between the mothers. Two have university degrees - only one doesn't want kids. They all have careers. Three are avid travelers - one of them still wants kids.
Still, it is hard to talk about the reality of having a baby even with my friends. And this is entirely due to myself, not them. I've had some in-depth conversations about it with two of them a while ago, and they were great conversations. But it is difficult to be the 'not sure' person in a group of people who are very sure about their decision whichever way it may be. It is even more difficult to be 'not sure' when in the past you have been vehemently vocal about your assurance that a mother you shall never be. I'll write more on this in the coming weeks.
When you fail to understand your own thoughts, it is hard to organise them logically so as to maintain a conversation about them.
I hang out with my mother friends. My friendships are unaffected, despite what a lot of women complain about. Sometimes the kids are there, sometimes they aren't. It usually doesn't impede the catch up. It sometimes does, but that is such a small thing to be so overly concerned about in a friendship, I feel. But I will be writing about friendships and my concerns later this week.
For now, I just want to concentrate on the railroading that I have experienced. It is like our culture does not want us to think seriously, honestly and openly about such a huge life-changing step. It has only been recently that women have been able to own the decision to or not to have a baby - in years past it was expected and without birth control, unavoidable. But now we have options.
Yet no one wants to allow us to talk them out. We seem so adamant on throwing our own ideas, concepts and views onto other people that we forget to just listen. I've done this. I have mentioned in the past that up until about 3 years ago I always had both feet firmly cemented into the 'women who have babies are just awful' category. I was never having them and I made that clear.
I am certainly regretful that I was like this. Even though I am still on the children aren't right for my lifestyle side of the fence, I have a completely different view of people who have children. I do very much think however, that if older women didn't shove it in my face so much as I was growing up, that this (bearing children) is what is expected of girls and that it is something you have no control over, I might have been more modest about my choice.
'Just do it' is terrible advice.
Standard things I ask about when people tell me they are thinking about having a baby, and they clearly want to talk it out, are what is your financial situation, do you get maternity leave, are you planning on studying, do you own a house or want to, how does your partner feel, do you have medical concerns etc etc.
These are very important issues. Why people insist on sweeping it under the rug like it is nothing, or it is easy dealt with after the baby comes along is absolutely beyond me.
And it makes the psychological impact of all the more difficult when you can not talk about these things in a safe environment, one free of accusation and negativity, or pushiness about having a child that has really nothing to do with them.
And so I continue to divulge to my online diary in the hope that other people who feel the same way can feel some solidarity.
I am not the first woman who is looking at a fence and deciding whether or not to jump it, and I certainly will not be the last.
As far as planning, analysing and thinking about whether or not to have a baby is concerned, I reject 'just do it' in place for another philosophy regrading any thought applied to the outcome:
'Do it justice'.
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